A Future Momma’s Plea: Secrets #5 Revealed {on Secret Week}

I know my “secret” isn’t much of a secret,
everyone in my life knows how badly I want a baby,
but I don’t think anybody really understands or realizes just how hard it’s been for me to cope with each and every new pregnancy happening around me…

I don’t think anybody realizes just how incredibly insane I have become.

I love reading your blog,
and I love reading the blogs of other momma’s out there.
It’s almost like I live vicariously through other Momma bloggers–it’s easier to be excited for strangers. I am genuinely happy for every single one of my friends that gets pregnant, but at the same time, I also can’t stand it.

It all started when I found out I was pregnant in May 2007.
It would be our first {and only} pregnancy
and I was beside myself with pure happiness.

My hubby and I had just bought our house,
our lives were in order,
the timing was right,
we were totally ready for this baby…

I spent every night putting together a baby registry and day dreaming of names… this baby in my tummy was everything to me.

Almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant,
I started having cramping, and bleeding,
and found out my hormones weren’t going up like they should…

I was likely going to loose my baby.
Despite all of this, I decided to take the long trip to visit my grandpa.
He was getting sicker with ALS), and each day could be his last.

While visiting my Grandpa in Oklahoma,
I ended up going through a full miscarriage.

I felt like it was my own fault, for going on that trip.
Maybe, if I would have stayed home, where I belonged, I might have been able to keep my baby.

For the next few weeks I moped around, and started planning when we would go ahead and try conceiving again…

Then, I got a phone call from my sister in law,
to tell me she was pregnant… and had gotten pregnant on her honeymoon.

Then, three of my best friends all announced they were also pregnant…
My soul was crushed.

I feigned happiness for them,
and then spent an hour on the floor in the shower crying and asking God, what I did to deserve this.

I promised I would never do anything to anyone ever again, I would be a good mom, and a good wife if he would only let me join my friends and have a baby. But no baby came.

And so the pattern continues,
every time someone new gets pregnant.
And then I try to find something about everyone that deems them less suitable then myself, to be a mother.

Which is so difficult when they are genuinely good women who will make awesome Mommas…

Three and a half years later, I’m still going through the same thing.
I can’t move on.

When I found out my last single brother in law was getting married, I told my husband that he “better hurry up and get me pregnant, before I end up with another pregnant sister in law, at which point, I just may just shoot myself!”

He didn’t think it was funny, but then honestly, I didn’t really either. But sometimes, I feel like I just might want to…. even if could never actually do that to myself.

When people tell me to adopt, or to just keep trying, I want to choke them. Yes, I want to adopt, because I know that out there somewhere, a child wants a momma just as much as I want them, but I also can’t accept the fact that despite fertility treatments, I may never be able to have my own babies.

I honestly want to strangle people when they talk about “finally getting pregnant” after having tried for 3 or 4 months, and how I should keep my head up, my time will come. But what they forget is that its been six years–and still no baby.

I have a wish list of all the baby stuff I want when I finally get to have a child and I’ve written letters to my future babies telling them how much I can’t wait for them to get here, and how much their future Daddy and I already love them…

Which sounds completely insane saying out loud…
but there you have it.

I don’t expect anybody to feel sorry for me, but I do hope, that if someone out there is going through this (or has been through it) they will know that they’re not alone.

Let’s show April some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you’re not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:
Simply copy the code, then got to “add a gadget” in your blogger dashboard, then add “html”, then paste the code, then click “save” {thats it}!

 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party–where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small–serious or silly}.